On June 20, 2019, when the clock hits 5:15pm in my mobile, when I am all by myself
Everywhere and nowhere. I guess that’s where I am right now — lost in time, in emotions, in a body. At the side of a small lake, crows ranting to the scorching heat, the ripples on water, and in time. The footsteps of sadness and happiness. The honking of rush hours. I guess you know where I am right now. Perhaps, you have no clue. That’s okay. Hold on to this flow of thoughts in my mind-cave.
The pathway is rendered colorful with the rhythmic energies of people talking, couples making love, dogs phasing in and out. As I sit here patiently, I know this is only one of few rare moments to be alone in this ever-growing busyness of life, of existence.
The panorama. It is painted with a girl in the distance, two girls sitting on the park bench. I wonder what they are talking about. Intermittently our gazes get locked onto an invisible portal. But I know they aren’t talking about me, for there is nothing to talk about me.
The watery canvas is howling silently, as the bird in the distant line tries to take a dive, the sound of which heightens my awareness.
Two boys pass by — one with a drumstick, one with a guitar. I wonder what gig they are to play soon. Whatever it is, they might enjoy. Maybe they are struggling artists.
I close my eyes and feel the gentle breeze traversing the hidden dimension in my long hair. Life, however, is short. So, it’s good for contemplating things. The swaying of the plant at the side of the lake — it is so calming to think of it as a type of hymn to my mind. I guess it’s a type of mindgasm.
There is so much chaos in the surrounding that it makes you feel serene in some ways. People-watching. That is what it seems for me. Sometimes, I imagine what I will do if I am to switch places to some of them. I wonder what it’s like to be in a romantic relationship. I wonder what it’s like to be a fish in this polluted lake. I wonder what it is like to be this bastard ant that is inside my t-shirt, trying to seduce me, creating an orgasm of some sort. I wonder what this dog nearby is thinking. Above all, I wonder what it’s like to be this tree on which I am supporting my back on. I just wonder. There’s no answer and shouldn’t be any I guess.
I am hungry right now since I haven’t eaten anything since morning. That’s alright though. I won’t die today. There are some kids in the distant, asking for money. I guess that’s life — an amalgam of memories of you, of someone else, experiences, the physical realness of you and the mental model of you.
This solitude is eternal. I know. I have been like this ever since I knew what existence is meant to be, what the universe surmounts to.
A girl in a black dress passes by. A man is smoking cigarette like a chimney that’s about to blow up.
The reflections on the water are soothing to watch as a sudden gust disrupts the calmness. It’s serene. I don’t know what I am doing here, right now. I asked certain someone to come, but won’t. However, she will some other day, at some other time, in some other weird mood of her. Today, she has her own problems, I know. Maybe that’s how my life is going to end, on the laps of nature, thinking about past memories, when the deathbed surrenders to my thoughts.
I wonder what it is like to be me in future. Will I appreciate the solitude? This bizarreness of the world around?
As I surrender to this shadowy figure of the tree, like an apparition of some kind, I see the reflections of 3 birds on the ripples. It’s like some form of dimension where the world is trapped beneath. As if the birds are trying to escape. Maybe, there’s another parallel world under that mirror, down there.
The crowds have grown, like cells growing in the lab. My mind is disrupted and I am becoming no-one again. It’s like I am high from the presence of people around. That sipping of tea is “mindgasmic” to watch, on which my hunger awakens.
There’s a guy not far away with a bag on his back. I wish he’s waiting for his lover of some sort. I don’t know.
Dogs are howling at the far corner of the canvas. Maybe they are singing my name. Maybe not. I should invent the device that enables communication with animals, just like in the movie up.
People, Emotions, Feelings and Chaos
My mind is being distracted to the conversation of these two persons sitting right beside me. I guess this is how I enjoy my life. I hope they are talking about me, for I believe that will not matter on what I should be, what I am to be.
As my favourite person Alan Watts says:
Who you really are, you almost have to go by yourself. Stop talking. Stop thinking words and be absolutely alone. Listen to the great silences. Then if you’re lucky, you’ll recover from the illusion that you’re just small me and so and so.
This is my time today. This is me just being myself without any external forces. There’s bliss in solitude. There’s no love like self-love. After all, “self” is what matters. The Self Is Contagious.