Let It Be
Today has been one of those days I felt empty I guess. Although I had tried occupying my time with studying for GREs, I still felt some type of void within me. It has been many months since I am without a job, without earning shit and locking myself up in my mind-cave doing nothing but contemplating things. Thinking has been an addiction, especially when restlessness surrounds the mind-cave. Everyone is addicted to thoughts, right? Who isn’t? After all, it is one of the processes that you can do anywhere, anytime. Yeah! That’s a bummer.
It’s been few days I haven’t fully stepped out of this place called home. To distract myself, I tried starting an anime series that would evoke a sense of crises in me. Turns out that Welcome To The NHK is the perfect candidate for time being. Few episodes into the series and I feel like I might enjoy it till the end. However, as days pass by I feel my boredom is deepening. I have lessened the intake of contents from online. Movies don’t intrigue me anymore like it used to. Youtube is no more than a music streaming service for me. Reddit has become dull. Haven’t really logged into any other social media. Instagram seems to be the place to subtly showcase my lust for silhouette photography and cloud obsession I have currently. Practicing with my new electric guitar makes me refreshed. Tons of poems in the archives, and I don’t have courage to convert them into song. Maybe time will tell. BTW, I tried composing a new song dedicated to someone. Seems good enough. I will wait for the right time. :) Love does some funny (and serious) shit to one’s existence. I can’t tell if it’s love or other weird shit. Anyway, love can be anything you may call! As time passes by, it’s really hard for me to stay sane without overthinking much. Maybe that’s the perk of being alone, growing! Let it be!
Here’s A Little Context
You feel like you have people surrounding you, yet you are alone. And most of the time, you are alone and you are everything to you that you can have. That’s what I feel most of the time. That might be the reason, I wander around to same streets, same places, inhaling same polluted air, wearing the same dress. It’s like life is always one repeat mode. Shit happens in repetition. And when you feel lonely enough, you call her. She is mysteriously weird; a cool entity I like to go on a date whenever I can. But that might be the story for some other time.
It’s the inevitableness of my life, your life. You are inevitable. Sometimes you feel like nobody understands you. And you don’t have to have expectations of any sort since expectations hurt. Hope is a double-edged sword. So, clinging onto the invisible wall that you can’t climb is a risky business (applies to anything). Time unravels everything. Technically it ought to since that’s how space-time continuum works. Well! According to what physicists say, what equations imply. I feel my life is getting boring as days pass by, as years cloud the memories. Now, I don’t feel interested in things I used to feel intrigued by in the past. Maybe that’s the perk of growing up. Maybe not. I don’t have any answers to that. At least not yet! But still, I feel nostalgic when people talk about those things, and I sit there silently, listening and thinking “yeah! you’re right”. But then, there are moments I feel some of those things are newer to me. The stuff of knowledge that made me who I was, and thus rendering to current “me”, lurks somewhere in the memory lanes.
Memory lanes feel fuzzy, at least some distant past like getting cut in the head by an iron nail that frightened me, and the scars remain. Maybe that’s the reason I love to look up at the sky and see clouds drift wherever they can. At night, stars seem unglued from the sky and my mind wanders if I can get the glimpse of certain things in the cosmos from the insignificant position I hold currently. I guess time will tell that. But still, from micro-verse of dots that make us to the macro-verse of whole space where we are the dot, they all evoke a certain sense of excitement and terror at the same time. I think that’s what life is. Being excited and scared at the same time of uncertainties that hold us, that fix us to positions we may never able to calculate of our “self” — that makes my life ticking, your life moving slowly.
And that’s how random my flow of thoughts can be. It’s scary and exciting at the same time. I bet you feel the same. If you don’t, it’s alright! I understand. Everything is boring eventually. So are these words! Cheers…