Disappointment

Posted on June 12, 2019
Last Edited on June 13, 2019
3 mins read
Tags: writing life disappointment crisis

The audio version can be found in my “thought-cast” here:
Disappointment | Coffee with Nish | Episode 7


Life. The only thing that’s readily available to your fingertips. You are listening to your heart as it beats seamlessly with the streams of external surroundings. You breathe slowly and slowly. You try to calm your mind down, or at least you think so. Your mind expounds to this ever-increasing fantasies in the cave. Your mind-cave. You think you are living, not just breathing. You think you are what you weren’t and all the successive transformations in your life were nothing but disappointment. You are a big disappointment to this depth of vastness in the universe. The universe gives a silent gaze and keeps on staring at you for what you are, not what you were and shall be.

You are a synonym to disappointment. Your life doesn’t brag about you and you can’t brag about your life since it’s got nothing. You’ve got nothing. Your love life is a big disappointment. Your first crush was a disappointment when you were in grade 8. You think you had “it” before you realized you couldn’t. Your fetish has gone down the drainage. You are attracted to some notion of “coolness” in a girl. You are attracted to chaos, for you are the chaos. You are attracted to messiness, the cracks of which evoke existential crises in you. You are disappointed in your own crisis . For now, there’s only an aurora - a little figment of your own imagination.

Your career is a disappointment; you have lost interest in almost anything. You think of the time you did everything with enthusiasm, but can’t. It feels empty whatsoever. When you look at the clouds floating right above you, you feel lost into the unknowns — lost like a drop of blood in a sea, all vanished and dissolved without ever knowing what it will result into. You are a disappointment to yourself. You tried going on doing “awesome” things in the past but realized awesomeness is where everyone converges and you feel you are just diverging from this reality of yours. You are struggling, I know. You hear voices in the head, telling you to stop thinking much and stay calm. The voices whisper, “Calm Down. Slow down”, like a ghost from another dimension. But you realize the voices aren’t the truest of all, a mockery of some form. Your awareness is superimposed with a high dose of caffeine intake and feel like the coffee is also a big disappointment, failing to satisfy your addiction.

You life goals — they don’t exist. You don’t have one, at least you think so for now. And if there was one, it will just be a shallow noise you failed to eliminate. You mentored people around not knowing how empty you were and are now. You are a teacher who preaches emptiness. You seem to cling to certain things that might be weird otherwise normally. You have this notion of life that is too much depressing and yet you find inspiration from the darkness within you. And that’s devastating since no one holds onto darkness forever. You feel darkness and eternal solitude is the solution to your crisis, all lost in your own mind cave. You write poems and pretend to make songs out of them. You are a shit that disgusts everyone around. You think you are an idea. An abstract idea, the failure of which has led to nothing more than disappointment. You remember your childhood memories. The memories are taken aback. Your memories concede to this amnesia that you have lost connection with.

All your stoic thoughts — people say you are depressed. But you think it’s not what they think. It’s the crisis in which you were born and brought up, knowing little things of life that disappointed you, the one you struggled with.

Still, you have hopes on what life will be since you are conscious of things that make you, a part of you. You are a part of someone else’s existence. There are people out there whose minds have abstractness of you. There are neurons lurking here and there, somewhere, the chemicals of which create a notion of you. So, it’s alright! Embrace the disappointment in you!

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